I’m not sad…
I just have alot of thoughts. And every day I’m on my own, I let these thoughts consume me. Now, these thoughts aren’t necessarily bad thoughts or harmful thoughts, so don’t worry. I’m going through another phase where I feel like I should evaluate the life I am living and everything that goes along with it. I’m trying to keep balance everything that is going on right now and find my center but it’s quite a struggle. I’ve found myself more and more interested in the teachings and philosophies of Buddhism and I’ve taken it upon myself to sign up for a 3-6 day Meditation retreat in a meditation center in the San Francisco area. It won’t be for a few months from now, so I’m going to start reading up on the teachings of Buddha on my own time. I feel like I need to renew the connection I have with nature, my surroundings and my mind. I’m at a place right now where I don’t know who I am or what I want and I’m struggling with myself everyday to keep my cool. I’ve worn myself through with apathy and restlessness… I’m ready to jump back into my life one step at a time. The big step I’m trying to take it less time with technology and more time in books. I deleted my twitter and I’ve been disconnected from wireless anything on my phone (minus texts and calls). I don’t feel anxious at all… I feel kind of relieved actually. I hate how impersonal the western world has gotten. No one does anything face to face anymore. More than 50% of the world’s population has never made a phone call, ever… I couldn’t imagine a world without cellphones, computers, iPods and the like but at the same time, I wish I could live without all of them. I don’t know why I’ve gone into a rant. I cry all the time when I’m alone. I cry about nothing and sometimes I cry about everything. I feel like I have so much bottled in but I don’t really know what exactly. I cried on my way home today but I wasn’t sad. I can’t describe how I felt. I was neither sad nor happy… I was just crying. I’m doing major soul searching right now and I’m trying to find myself and find ways to go about life. I’ve chosen Buddhism, like I’ve said before. I’m gonna test it out and see where I go with it. The whole Christianity thing never worked for me…
